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Politeness in a Relationship

בת זוג פגועה

Why do we allow ourselves more with our partners?

Sometimes, partners say hurtful things to each other that they would never say to someone else who isn’t their partner. Why wouldn’t they say those things to someone else? Because it’s simply not polite.

Why do partners abandon politeness so easily? Why does he allow himself to roll his eyes when she says something he doesn’t exactly like? And why does she allow herself to say that he’s talking nonsense when he expresses his opinion on a topic they disagree on?

Some would say that in a relationship, there are no masks. Each person says what’s on their mind. Honesty above all else. Even at the cost of hurting the other. According to this approach, if partners aren’t honest with each other about everything, both the good and the bad, their communication will be artificial, not genuine, and flawed. He’ll say, "This is me, take it or leave it." She’ll say, "This is me, and if I’m not honest with you, I’ll find someone else to be honest with." It’s like the cry of a baby to its parents: "Mom and Dad, accept me as I am and fulfill all my needs without question."

Our partners are not our parents, although many times we long for them to accept us warmly "as we are." This means accepting us along with the hurtful comments, cynicism, smells, and sounds that naturally escape from us, and anything else that is an inseparable part of us.

There is another way to communicate with our partners. A more polite way, one that hurts less. A sensitive and empathetic way. We can communicate without saying things like: "I think you’re not talented, and that’s why they fired you," or "You’re nothing," or "I’m not sure I love you," or "I’m not sure I can live with you," or "You need to lose some weight," and so on. There are destructive remarks that are better left unsaid, regardless of their supposed honesty. A partner who hears such a remark might try to dismiss it from their mind, but I’m not sure they will always be able to do so.

Even though she apologized and regretted it, her partner still feels that she sees him as a "loser." Even though he swore he didn’t mean it, begged for forgiveness, and despite the time that passed since those words were said, his partner still hasn’t shaken the feeling that she’s "unwanted." The words were said. They can’t be taken back.

And here’s a short story I heard from my lecturer:

There was a man and a woman who loved each other. Occasionally, she would insult him, and he would also insult her from time to time. They agreed between themselves that whenever they insulted each other, they would drive a nail into the fence surrounding their house. However, when they said or did something good for each other, they would remove a nail.

Many years passed. The couple raised children and were now grandparents. One day, they went out to the yard to check how many nails were left and discovered that there were no nails left in the fence. How wonderful.

But there were many holes left...

Please be sensitive to those closest to you.

Mika.

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